A little bit of.... Life?

Have I lost the ability to love? Or at least, to connect with someone?

This is quite a personal post for me, but I do really like to read back on my blog, which so far has been mostly happy memories and times. It’s hard to read back on sometimes as so many of my memories involve Drew. The break up was obviously not my choice, I didn’t see it coming, which was naïve of me, but I was crazily madly happily in love with him and was really looking forward to a future. For a long time afterwards I evaluated it all, trying to work out where it went wrong. At one point I thought I could pinpoint the exact moment that things changed for him, but then when you re-evaluate something over and over, things don’t seem as simple as that. I’d never loved anyone like I loved him, he was my number ‘3’ (if you haven’t read about the three loves in your life, read this). One of my friends actually told me to read that to cheer me up, it did the exact opposite. Anyone got one for the 4 loves of your life?! Ha.

I actually really struggled with having a low mood and feeling so inexplicably sad. I wouldn’t say it was depression, I think it was just a really really bad case of having a broken heart. But I genuinely didn’t want to wake up each day and would dream of falling asleep forever each night. That’s a really selfish thought to have, and then when you feel selfish you get stuck even more in the vicious circle. I’ve lost a lot of confidence and didn’t want to leave the house most of the time. I just want to assure anyone who feels like that, I went to see my doctor because I was worried that I wasn’t normal. I’d never dealt with a break up so badly, but if you feel that way, it is fine. My doctor explained lots of things to me, but one thing that really resonated was that it’s like a death. It’s the death of the future that you had planned, the dreams that you had dreamed, and the life you thought you had. And it is OK to grieve for that. Grief is something that is so personal and no person deals with it the same way twice. It is fine to be sad.

I mentioned previously that I had made the decision to start dating again. At first, this was supposed to boost my confidence, a lot of people said “it won’t take you long to find someone, you won’t be single for long” etc etc, which I think actually puts more pressure on you. After starting this blog off with quite a sad tone, I am now going to share some of the absolute clangers that I’ve had to deal with, in the realm of ‘online dating’. Be warned singletons, if you've not already tried online dating, you may come across some of these howlers! 

1 - The married guy. Yep. Married. Still. 

2 - The Ghost. Guy that just never called or text. 6 or 7 dates, and nothing?! 

3 - The stalker. Now, everyone will probably experience one of these if they're trying online dating. This one totally creeped me out, so much so that I sent his pic to a few of my friends.... not that I was worried about him actually tracking me down and killing me... 

4 - The one that just won't go away. Get. The. Message. No, I don't want to meet up with you. No, I still don't want to meet up with you. No, I haven't replied, EVER. 

5 - The one that stood you up. This was a second date, I had my suspicions that he was a bit weird. I don't actually know for sure that he stood me up because I didn't go, but he text a few weeks later saying he was sorry to have stood me up and he'd been in hospital with no access to his phone.... he obviously hadn't heard of how to turn off your 'last seen' on WhatsApp. 

6 - Ah, the non-cuddler. This was a bit awkward. Things were going quite well, we'd had a few dates and were watching a movie. He wanted to cuddle, it wasn't comfy, I said so, he then ignored me for the rest of the night and text about 2 months later "can we pick up where we left off", um, no. 

I feel a bit like whichever Disney character sings "someday my prince will come..." ha! 

Ems xx